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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26065102">Pills || Tsukiyama</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/UnicornFlowers'>UnicornFlowers (orphan_account)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:54:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,406</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26065102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/UnicornFlowers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima is selfish.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>209</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Pills || Tsukiyama</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>♢</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts. Please read at your own discretion.</em>
  </b>
</p><p>Tsukishima was selfish and he knew it. He'd been selfish all his life, and he'd been pretty much fine with it up until now. He knew that he'd taken and taken and taken, and he knew that he was an asshole. He knew that he rubbed almost everyone the wrong way and he made no attempt to change that because, at the end of the day, there really was no point in trying to get people to like you. </p><p>He was selfish when it came to his knowledge and abilities, turning down people's requests for help because he didn't feel like it, it would be too much of a bother. He left people waiting for him when he wasn't planning on showing in the first place, flaked out on plans he'd made despite not wanting to go anyway. And in the end, people got mad at him. But he was fine with that. Because it didn't really matter. People would come and go. </p><p>In fact, he actually liked the constant cycle of the very few friendships he'd had over the years. It always started with him showing some modicum of kindness toward them, and then they'd start wanting to hang out with him, and he would let them. And then he would lose interest because most people weren't very interesting in the first place. He'd cancel plans at the last minute or just flat out stand people up. He would stop sharing when they had conversations, putting up his trusty safeguards again. And eventually, he would stop engaging with them altogether. </p><p>You can pretty much guess what would happen next. That's right. They got mad. So mad. They got screaming at him mad and storming off mad and the worst part was that he was too selfish to care. Because why should he care? It wasn't like they really cared about him anyway. It wasn't like they had some unbreakable bond he couldn't find somewhere else. Plus, he was probably doing them a favor by driving them away before they got close enough to get emotionally invested in him anyway. </p><p>That was the cycle. That's how Kei Tsukishima liked it. It was easy. But there was one exception.</p><p>That one exception had freckles and green hair and a killer float serve. And he was either so starved for friendship that Tsukishima for some reason seemed like the best option despite his blatant personality flaws and terrible relationship skills. Or, he somehow found something redeemable inside the platinum blond that made him stick around through everything. Through Tsukishima's genuinely bad personality, through his laziness, his assholery, his coldness. </p><p>The second one was much more terrifying. Because it was easy to think of Tadashi Yamaguchi as some pathetic, relationship-lacking, socially awkward kid that couldn't make a friend to save his life. But it was hard to accept the reality that he was so much more than that. It was hard to accept that Yamaguchi was actually amazing and warm and kind and loving and a near-perfect friend who would pick you up when you were down and give you a shoulder to cry on no matter what the tears were about. It was hard to accept that Yamaguchi who liked dinosaurs and the stars and astrology was so much more deserving of love than Tsukishima would ever be. </p><p>It was hard for Tsukishima to accept the fact that he wasn't the cool kid protecting some weak little loser anymore. He was the ungrateful bastard who was getting far more than he deserved. </p><p>Like, fuck, what was he in comparison to Tadashi Yamaguchi? The boy was an angel with freckles and the cutest goddamn smile Tsukishima had ever seen. He took care of Tsukishima when he had the flu even though his irritability only made him more of an asshole. He was there for the platinum blond boy even when he acted like a spoiled brat about not being better than his teammates when he never tried anyway. He was there for Tsukishima when no one else could stand to be around him. What was Kei Tsukishima without Tadashi Yamaguchi?</p><p>He was an asshole with a bad attitude who broke down when things didn't go his way. </p><p>But this wasn't a realization that Tsukishima had come upon in a timely manner. No, this was a realization that hit him like a train one day when he came over to his best friend's house on a stormy Sunday afternoon. </p><p>If he was being completely honest with himself, Tsukishima almost canceled the study session because he didn't want to have to take the bus instead of walking (I mean like, damn, what a hassle, right?) but he figured that after standing him up when they were supposed to get dinner, he at least owed Yamaguchi this much. Not to mention, volleyball club had been rough lately and he couldn't allow his grades to start slipping. And if there was one thing Tsukishima would mentally beat himself for in the weeks after that day, it would be how his finger hovered send button earlier that afternoon, preparing to tell Yamaguchi he couldn't make it. </p><p>The apartment was dark when Tsukishima arrived. The lights were off and the only sound filling the place was the crackling of thunder and the flashes of lightning outside. It was almost haunting, but Tsukishima wasn't easily freaked out. So, he merely slipped off his shoes and stepped inside, dropping his bag near the front door. He could get his notebooks later. Really, the only thing that really caught Tsukishima off-guard, at first, was the absence of his smiling best friend who normally greeted him with a hug. </p><p>The blond pretended to hate them but he secretly liked that Yamaguchi smelled like peaches and always ran up to greet him with such enthusiasm. Of course, though, he wasn't going to say that out loud. Just like he wasn't going to divulge that he liked holding his best friend's hand or that he liked it when they listened to music together and Yamaguchi droned on about astronomy and the stars. </p><p>For an almost eerie moment, the thunder stilled, leaving only the soft drumming of rain of rooftops in its absence, like the calm before the storm. And it was quiet. It was too quiet. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, which certainly wasn't normal. His best friend was a total clutz. When he wasn't talking or laughing or telling you about the T-Rex, he could always be heard somewhere in the apartment crashing around or tripping over air. It was a familiar, safe sound for Tsukishima to hear. The blond always liked to think he preferred silence, but as he stood in the doorway, listening to absolutely nothing, his stomach dropped. </p><p>"Tadashi?" Tsukishima's voice was almost bordering on annoyed at first. Annoyed that his friend wasn't in his apartment when he said he would be. Annoyed that he was being forced through the inconvenience of having to find out where Yamaguchi was. Just kind of an understated feeling of annoyance. But beneath that, there was dread. A quiet sort of fear that lodged itself in the pit of his stomach because something in his brain told him this wasn't right.</p><p>"Tadashi?" The second time his best friend's name fell from his lips, Tsukishima actually started moving, quietly padding throughout the household and searching each room somewhat lazily. There had been one time when Yamaguchi had thought it would be funny to jump out of his closet at his blond best friend. Needless to say, Tsukishima didn't find it funny and he wasn't in the slightest scared. It never happened again. </p><p>"Tadashi where-"</p><p>Tsukishima hadn't felt anything so deeply as the fear that ran through his veins and gripped every nerve in his body as he pushed open the door of the bathroom to find his best friend, sitting on the floor, surrounded by pills, with an open bottle resting by his foot. </p><p>In a millisecond, like the tip of a pin, time seemed to stop entirely and Tsukishima's brain rewound through the entire week, searching every interaction for some sign that this was going to happen. When Yamaguchi called him Tsukishima instead of Tsukki? When he excused himself from volleyball practice? When he said he had something to do during lunch? He froze, his fingertips losing all feeling, his heart being the overpowering noise, even louder than the thunder that crackled loudly back to life outside. There was the storm. </p><p>Was this it? Was this how he lost the only person that mattered to him so deeply? </p><p>And that was when the realization hit Tsukishima like a fuckton of bricks. That was when it really hit him. It was all about him. That was his problem. Everything in his life was about <em>him</em>. <em>He </em>was the one who needed someone to save him. <em>He </em>was the one with the problems that needed solving. <em>He </em>was the one who was losing someone. He was selfish and self-centered. And he didn't matter right now. </p><p>"I didn't take any...if that's what you're wondering," Yamaguchi's voice snapped him from his thoughts like popping a balloon in a library. His head was down, forehead resting on his palms as he leaned his elbows on his knees. And Tsukishima didn't have the voice to say anything in response. His throat felt like sandpaper, his eyes stung with tears. "I mean...I thought about it...Who would miss me, right?" </p><p><em>I would. </em>Tsukishima's mouth felt glued shut and his chest ached painfully at his best friend's words. How could he even say that? Did he even realize the impact he had on people? Did he even see how much better he made people's lives just by being in them? He didn't get it. He didn't understand how needed he was. The world needed Tadashi Yamaguchi. The team needed him. <em>Kei </em>needed him. </p><p>"But in the end, it's kind of like a pros and cons list, right?" The freckled boy released the most bitter, out of character laugh that made Tsukishima's heart twist painfully in his ribcage. Yamaguchi's laugh was light and airy like sunshine peeking through the clouds on a rainy day. It forced you to smile even when you wanted to cry and it was musical. This wasn't his laugh. "Pro, I won't be around to bother you anymore. Or anyone for that matter. Pro, it would open up a slot so you can find a better pinch server. Pro, the overall skill level of the team would go up... Although, there are some cons. Like, my family would have to pay for a funeral. And who wants to die in an old t-shirt and gym shorts anyway-"</p><p>"Would you just shut the fuck up?" Tsukishima hadn't even realized he was crying until it was hard to get the words out of his mouth and a burning sensation filled his throat. Tsukishima didn't cry. He didn't even know if he knew how to. He hadn't cried in years or even thought about it or felt like he would. But this was different. He had no control over it this time as he removed his glasses to try and wipe some of the tears away. </p><p>Tsukishima's body moved before he had a chance to think about what he was doing as he fell to his knees between Yamaguchi's legs and wrapped his arms around his best friend. Why was he doing that? He really couldn't tell you if you asked. But something felt right about it. Like, somehow, if he just held the freckled boy close enough and threaded his fingers through green hair and rested his head in the crook of his neck, somehow it would be okay. And he couldn't be hurt. And it would show him how loved he was. </p><p>"You don't get it...we need you, you're the best thing ever to happen to this stupid school and this stupid team and this stupid world and it fucking sucks without you," The freckled boy was still frozen in his arms, his body unsure of how to react as Tsukishima voiced thoughts he might never say out loud again. He might never tell Yamaguchi how much he meant to him and to everyone ever again. He might never say the words out loud a second time. But he was saying them now. "And you're the best thing ever to happen to me so you can't leave me yet." The blond sobbed against his best friend's neck. </p><p>Okay, Tsukishima was selfish as fuck and everything was about him ninety percent of the time. And he never wanted to be selfish again, but right now he was going to make one last selfish request of his best friend. He was taking another thing. Just one more thing. </p><p>"And I love you so... So you're not allowed to leave me alone, okay?" Tsukishima whispered the words so softly against his best friend's neck and he felt the freckled-boy relax, one arm coming up to wrap around his back and the other gripping his bicep as his head fell against Tsukishima's shoulder. The blond felt tears slipping against his collarbone but he didn't hear any sound, just silent sobs that echoed against his chest and caused Yamaguchi to fist his hands in his shirt. </p><p>And they stayed like that. For a long time. It could've been minutes or maybe it was hours, but it was longer than they could count with time moving around them, sidestepping them, tripping over them occasionally with the buzzing of a text or phone call. But they ignored the time. They ignored how it stumbled across their path. Instead, Tsukishima held onto the freckled boy in his arms like he was the only thing keeping him rooted to the ground, only letting go of him to occasionally shift positions. </p><p>And as they laid on the bathroom floor with their limbs tangled together, with Tsukishima's arms wrapped around Yamaguchi's waist, as he drew sleepy patterns against the small of his back, when the blond felt his eyes drift closed and tiredness overcome him, Tadashi whispered,</p><p>"I love you too." </p><p>And Tsukishima didn't need to hear the words to know they were true, but he would treasure their hushed tone until the day he died. </p><p> </p><p>☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆</p><p> </p>
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